Nov 5. 2014. WHY are you doing this?

If someone asks me why I am stubborn to stay in Africa, how would I answer? To be honest, I cannot say now, “Because I really love Africa!” From my deepest honest mind, I would want to say, “I don’t recommend you because it is so hard…”

If someone throws back the question, “So then, why are you undergoing all sorts of hardships in Africa on purpose?” how do you think I would answer?

What is an explicit answer to satisfy people who feel questionable? While some of my friends are awed by my bold adventure and exclaim, “Wow, awesome!” my parents never understand me and always admonish, “Why are you doing this? Come back home!”

Come back home… Seo Taiji, who is called cultural president in South Korea, incorporated his social criticism into the song, <Come back home>, and say to delinquent boys, “You must come back home!” I feel like I am committing juvenile delinquency because I ran away from home for a long time. I went to the place where is teeming with Ebola virus, flied to East Africa, and now I am in southern African region, appearing West, East, and South.

Adding one more African country into my travel list may be not that helpful to boast my career. Deserting my pillow whole night to fight with mosquitoes would never be fun experience forever. Sunbeams make me spiritless, and dusty winds always annoy my contact lens. Nshima causes indigestion, and rice is lack of water. Electricity is on and off, and Internet is gone whenever I was eagerly looking forward to taking online lectures. Unidentified ugly big bugs do nothing harm to me, but they do frighten me. Like this, everything makes me sad. Recently, I have thought hundreds of times, “Yes, maybe they are right. Why am I doing this? I will quit!” I am mentally and physically exhausted. I could hardly be free from grudging feeling that I already have met school requirement, and I did not see good benefits of pure volunteering.

However, my anger “I will quit!” actually makes me sadder. I am not done yet, there should be no end, and above all, I do not want to betray myself. If I throw all away right now and come back home to eat kimchi and bulgogi, I may feel so wonderful for a while, but I may not overcome tsunami of regret later, “Why couldn’t I bear?” How can I be different? I do not want to do it with eagerness of hoping something. Pure volunteering is surely hard because it may not guarantee anything.

No matter how much a sense of duty is strong, I am still easily exhausted by environment, and I fret myself into everything just because I am in Africa. If I were in the U.S., I would not have to worry about Internet, food, fitness club, laundry machine, and all stuff, and I would enjoy school class by saying with smooth-tongued, “What is the future of public health?” There might be more better condition and opportunity that would be much helpful for my future. Of course, I long for being in Geneva, LA, New York, and London. Comparing to city life, it is surely justifiable for me to think sense of confusion, “What am I doing here?”

Nevertheless, I can never deny my reason of being in Africa. Nobody can feel the lesson from the deep heart if there is no direct experience. I had heard of no-electricity, no-water life in Africa several times. So what? I let those words go in one ear and out the other because those things were always available to me. I had always complained what I did not have, not appreciating what I already had. Finally in Africa, I realize again, even right this moment how lucky I am. I am a student. How lucky! I am a volunteer. How lucky! I can speak in English. How lucky! I drink clean water. How lucky! I sleep in the lodge. How lucky! These lucky series would be endless if I keep enumerating them. I realize I am the person who is privileged to have everything that many people do not. This is just unfair. I could have been born in this rural area, Choma, as a seventh kid in needy family, starved every day and no school.

If someone asks me “Isn’t half a year enough for you to be in Africa?” I would say, “No.” Helping people is not easy. I have not found answer for that yet. Should I just give them money? Distribute food? Teach mathematics? If I do all of that, will they feel thankful to me? Or, do I help them while wanting their appreciation? Did they really ask me some help? They look happy anyway, and it does not seem to be desperate. If so, what should I do? Should I just ignore them and enjoy my own life? Because I am busy with taking care of myself? Until I find the right answer, I need to be here. I want to find this concept; how can I make them happy while I feel comfortable as well? What is the true equality? I will not give up on being with Africa. Although I still have high risk of contracting malaria, I am praying that my physical condition would be okay as long as I am with Africa. Rather than thinking helping people, I would think being with people. I hope people around me, furthermore, all people over the world become concerned about and feel happy to be with and in Africa. That was how my blog title became <Africa with Us>.

If someone asks me now “Do you like to be here in Africa?” I would say, “I am trying to love to being here. What I can say now is that I have to be here, because this is what I can do very well, and it must be me to let people know about Africa.” I do not have to be the best, but I do want to be different. Keep going! I have things to do.

In Mbeza ADP, Zambia