July 26. Home, Sweet Home!

She is afraid of me because I look like white Chinese.

I am not talking about my home, my sweet home. My contract with apartment in Baltimore has been already finished, so I have no home in the U.S. When I was in Salt Lake City, Utah for undergraduate, I moved my dormitory about 5-6 times for 3 years. So, I am tired of packing and moving. My life in the U.S. and Africa is still temporary; living in a temporary home with temporary visa just for school is my current life, as an international student in the U.S. Where and who do I rely on?

I visited pastor James home again. I spent a whole night the other day for all-night pray to spiritually fight against Ebola. This is a real sweet home. It does not matter how fancy or splendid. It does matter who you stay with. Linda, Louisa, James Jr, Winifred, and Esther are siblings. Emmanula was still scared of me and sadly cried whenever she saw me. I thought I got friendly with her last time, but it actually got worse today. She had already forgotten about me…

Although I did not do anything special, time went well. While watching the scenery that Louisa is cooking, listening to music, exploring the backyard to see intact Cassava leaves and roots, hanging out with Agnes, trying to reach Emmanula, watching a drama and movie, I spent a peaceful time, blowing away all stressful moments that I have had so far. I came here early in the afternoon, but the day has already become the dust of the evening. I wanted to go back my home before getting too dark, but they were resistant to let me go. Louisa would go along with me to my home. Oh, okay… I felt embarrassed by the fact that a woman who is younger than me would escort me. But it was not good timing to speak of man-ish, I mean, masculinity. It is not a fun experience for me to walking and taking a taxi at night. I am a stranger here, and I may become complete blind stranger in the darkness, so I have to be careful of being outside at night, for my safety.

On the way back to my home, I thought about the meaning of family. At some point, I might already been numbed about the importance of people who is close to me. Maybe, I have not even known what is the most priceless and valuable to me, and I have only run and run just like being chased by something. I have been put pressure upon myself to run so hard without noticing I was already worn out. Now, here I am in Africa. What is the most precious to me? Doing some work in Africa should not be everything; I feel I am slowly refreshing and regaining my full passion. Loving people around me is the most important. But how? I will have to say good-bye to pastor James’ family soon (or may not have time to see them again before leaving). And farewell moment must be hard. But I know I cannot stay here forever. Maybe, when I have family, I will be more likely to settle my life. But not now. Right now, I will disappear like the wind. But I hope, at least, people remember me as a good and sincere person. I believe these several awhile but good moments will come together and lead me to have strong stability, even if this moment – not expressing regret at sudden departing to people – makes me sorrowful.